Trigger Warning: Suicide
Alright, here’s another one that’s super difficult for me to write. I feel like I’ve been saying that a lot lately, but each one really gets harder and harder. However, I know that this post needs to be written so that I can be honest with myself and honest with all of you. I’m also hoping that this helps someone out there. So, here we go.
Last week, I had a mental breakdown, and I just wasn’t feeling like myself. I was flooded with a bunch of emotions that I didn’t understand, and I felt that it was causing trouble for those around me. All in all, I was going through a lot at the time. I was forced to take a good, hard look at myself last week, and in doing so, I selfishly and hastily concluded that everyone would just be better off without me. I felt like I was such a bother to everyone around me and that it would be much better if I just disappeared. Then, no one would have to deal with my unpredictable emotions or any other annoying thing about me that I wish I could change. Overall, I just felt like I was a bad daughter, bad wife, bad granddaughter, and a bad friend.
I didn’t want to kill myself, and I wasn’t going to kill myself. I just wished that I’d never been born, and I thought everyone’s lives would be better off that way. I was in a bad, dark, and scary place, but I was able to move through it and out of it. Now, I know that there are actually people out there who do want to harm themselves, and there are people who attempt to take their own lives. To the people who are no longer here, I’m sorry that you couldn’t see the true value in your presence and that you felt so much pain while you were here. To those who are still with us despite these thoughts and attempts, I’m speaking directly to you… and this is also a reminder for myself as well.
Thank you for choosing life. I know that sometimes it gets hard, and it can seem downright impossible, honestly. But I promise you that you will get through it, just as you have before. You will continue to push on, just as you did before. There will be times when these thoughts may linger in the back of your mind, and that’s okay. Trust me, I’m sure this won’t be the last time I have thoughts like the ones I had last week. We just have to remember that it will soon pass.
Sometimes, we feel like we’re so unlovable and unwanted, but it’s quite the opposite. That night when I had my mental breakdown, I called my best friend — my mom. She reminded me that there are so many lives that I’ve touched just with my blog alone, not to mention the people that I know and love. I needed that wake-up call, and it got me thinking. No one ever realizes the great impact that they might have had on someone’s life. Whether it’s someone you’ve known for 20 years or someone that you had a brief but pleasant conversation with at the bus stop, you have touched someone’s life in one way or another. If you were to leave this earth, someone is going to miss you, cry for you, and wish that you were still here. I can’t promise that everything will be okay because there will be times when it won’t be. However, if there’s one thing I want you to remember, please know that it’s okay not to be okay.
You can cry, you can scream, and you can be angry. But at least you’re here. I want to offer a hand to anyone who needs it. The same way that I called up my mom and she helped me through my dark moment, I want to do the same for someone else. If you’re ever feeling down, or you’re feeling like you’re at the end of your rope and you’re about to give up, please reach out to me. Please know that you’re not a bother to me, and I’d be happy to talk to you. My email address is letsflourishtogether@yahoo.com, and you can DM me on Instagram here.
I don’t know if any of you believe in a higher power, but if you do, this may make sense to you. I believe that God put me through that rough spell last week so that I could make this blog post that you’re reading right now. I think I was meant to go through that so that I could tell my story to you all and make someone who is reading this understand that they are not alone. I was meant to go through this so that I could make this post and offer a listening ear to anyone who needs it. Please reach out to me. You are amazing. You are wanted. You are loved.
“When you’re high on emotion, and you’re losing focus, and you’re too exhausted to pray, don’t get lost in the moment, or give up when you’re closest. All you need is somebody to say, “It’s okay not to be okay.”
– Demi Lovato
This quote is from Demi Lovato’s song, “Ok Not to be Ok.” Click here to watch the music video!
Thank you for taking the time to write this. 2.5 years ago I tried to jump off a bridge. An off duty officer pulled me off just before I did. I was committed to a state mental ward for 3 months. For about a year after I still didn’t want to be here. I too believe in God. I see now how much he had his hand on me and while times may be hard at times we are needed here. I want to live now. My goal is to become a peer support specialist to help others who are going through hard times or struggle with mental health issues.
Thank you again for having the courage to share
Your story!!
Zoie
Wow, thank you so much for sharing your story with me. You are such an inspiration to me and so many others who are fortunate enough to be touched by your story. I am glad that you are here, friend, and I hope that you are able to see your goal through by becoming a peer support specialist!
well, u spoke about it, in fact, you put it out to the world and that I think is the best part of the mental process. I am glad you worked on it and now it is much better
Thank you so much for your kind words and for reading my blog! 🙂
This is such an inspirational post and something that I think a lot of people who are struggling right now would benefit from reading.
Thank you for your courage, honesty, and willingness to be raw with us on social media. This is for sure sometimes that plagues our society yet we don’t talk about it enough. Nor do we have inspirational stories like yours to keep motivating us. It’s also very true that God has a plan for all of us. We might not always see or know what it is but we must have the determination to keep going even when we are not okay. All that is okay too.
Thank you so much for reading and sharing your feedback with me. I most definitely agree that we don’t talk about it enough, but if we did, I think more people wouldn’t feel so alone when they go through their struggles.
Your story is certainly resonating with people. Thank you for sharing our piece and believing that your words are valuable to share – because they certainly are. You certainly are.
There’s a Korea TV Show about people having a mental problem with the same title, thanks for bringing this important and heavy topic in your blog and I think it may help some people. – Knycx Journeying
Hi, Knycx! Thank you so much for reading and for telling me about the TV show — I had no idea that there was a show out there that brings awareness to this issue!
It’s certainly okay to not being okay since as you’re not okay, you don’t need in addition the pressure of having to be all cheery. However, one should observe very closely when a simply ‘not okay’ turns into some serious health issues.
Most definitely! I always encourage anyone who feels like they can’t continue or feels like they have no other options to seek professional help. Thanks for reading!
It must’ve been hard for you to share this but I applaud you for being brave enough to. I have. Family members currently going through this and sometimes we just don’t know what to do or how to react. But you’ve put things in perspective. Will continue to pray for your pains and struggles and everyone else that’s going through something similar 🙏🏼
I think one of the nicest things that someone can do for me is pray for me, so I’m so appreciative of you for praying for me and everyone who may be struggling with their mental health. Thank you for reading as well!
I admit that there are times that I don’t understand why people have suicidal thoughts, and I continue trying to understand why (or not saying anything, but show empathy). No matter how tough life is, it never comes to my mind to end my life. Life is a gift, and I am blessed that I was born here.
Thank you for sharing your story! It’s an inspiring post and I’m sure it speaks to many people. It takes courage to accept that we’re not okay.
Thanks for sharing your story. I think more people need to be reading this.
Thank you so much for reading! I hope that more people can see this so that we may continue to raise awareness!
Thanks for sharing such a close and personal story with us all. Your words ring true that sometimes we can feel unwanted and unloved but it’s actually quite the opposite.
Yes, and even now, I still feel unloved or unwanted sometimes, but I know that these thoughts will soon pass. Thanks so much for your feedback!
I share your sentiments. I’m also an advocate of suicide awareness. Let’s spread this kind of awareness. Continue what you are doing.
Yes! It’s so great to know that we’re all doing what we can to help others in need by spreading awareness! Thanks so much for your feedback.
Thank you for sharing your story, as someone who has struggled with these feelings in the past it is always sad to hear that someone else has to experience such lows. I find your story inspiring and you are so courageous to share this.
Thank you so much for your feedback and for being open about your experience as well. I know the only way to raise awareness about this is to talk about it openly!