Trigger Warning: Suicide
Alright, here’s another one that’s super difficult for me to write. I feel like I’ve been saying that a lot lately, but each one really gets harder and harder. However, I know that this post needs to be written so that I can be honest with myself and honest with all of you. I’m also hoping that this helps someone out there. So, here we go.
Last week, I had a mental breakdown, and I just wasn’t feeling like myself. I was flooded with a bunch of emotions that I didn’t understand, and I felt that it was causing trouble for those around me. All in all, I was going through a lot at the time. I was forced to take a good, hard look at myself last week, and in doing so, I selfishly and hastily concluded that everyone would just be better off without me. I felt like I was such a bother to everyone around me and that it would be much better if I just disappeared. Then, no one would have to deal with my unpredictable emotions or any other annoying thing about me that I wish I could change. Overall, I just felt like I was a bad daughter, bad wife, bad granddaughter, and a bad friend.
I didn’t want to kill myself, and I wasn’t going to kill myself. I just wished that I’d never been born, and I thought everyone’s lives would be better off that way. I was in a bad, dark, and scary place, but I was able to move through it and out of it. Now, I know that there are actually people out there who do want to harm themselves, and there are people who attempt to take their own lives. To the people who are no longer here, I’m sorry that you couldn’t see the true value in your presence and that you felt so much pain while you were here. To those who are still with us despite these thoughts and attempts, I’m speaking directly to you… and this is also a reminder for myself as well.
Thank you for choosing life. I know that sometimes it gets hard, and it can seem downright impossible, honestly. But I promise you that you will get through it, just as you have before. You will continue to push on, just as you did before. There will be times when these thoughts may linger in the back of your mind, and that’s okay. Trust me, I’m sure this won’t be the last time I have thoughts like the ones I had last week. We just have to remember that it will soon pass.
Sometimes, we feel like we’re so unlovable and unwanted, but it’s quite the opposite. That night when I had my mental breakdown, I called my best friend — my mom. She reminded me that there are so many lives that I’ve touched just with my blog alone, not to mention the people that I know and love. I needed that wake-up call, and it got me thinking. No one ever realizes the great impact that they might have had on someone’s life. Whether it’s someone you’ve known for 20 years or someone that you had a brief but pleasant conversation with at the bus stop, you have touched someone’s life in one way or another. If you were to leave this earth, someone is going to miss you, cry for you, and wish that you were still here. I can’t promise that everything will be okay because there will be times when it won’t be. However, if there’s one thing I want you to remember, please know that it’s okay not to be okay.
You can cry, you can scream, and you can be angry. But at least you’re here. I want to offer a hand to anyone who needs it. The same way that I called up my mom and she helped me through my dark moment, I want to do the same for someone else. If you’re ever feeling down, or you’re feeling like you’re at the end of your rope and you’re about to give up, please reach out to me. Please know that you’re not a bother to me, and I’d be happy to talk to you. My email address is firstname.lastname@example.org, and you can DM me on Instagram here.
I don’t know if any of you believe in a higher power, but if you do, this may make sense to you. I believe that God put me through that rough spell last week so that I could make this blog post that you’re reading right now. I think I was meant to go through that so that I could tell my story to you all and make someone who is reading this understand that they are not alone. I was meant to go through this so that I could make this post and offer a listening ear to anyone who needs it. Please reach out to me. You are amazing. You are wanted. You are loved.
“When you’re high on emotion, and you’re losing focus, and you’re too exhausted to pray, don’t get lost in the moment, or give up when you’re closest. All you need is somebody to say, “It’s okay not to be okay.”
– Demi Lovato
This quote is from Demi Lovato’s song, “Ok Not to be Ok.” Click here to watch the music video!