No, I’m not pregnant. However, I am about to be 26 in September — the pressure is on to make sure that I don’t wait too late to have a baby, but I want to make sure that I have all my ducks in a row and am in a better position financially. My relationship with my mom is amazing, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything else in the world. The support and love that we have for each other are indescribable, and I would be honored to give that kind of love to a child of my own. However, I do have some fears and anxieties surrounding this topic, and as always, I want to share my thoughts and experiences with you. So, let’s jump right into it.
Three years ago is when I experienced a very traumatic medical issue; I continuously bled vaginally for over 6 months. After countless uncomfortable doctor visits and expensive copay payments, I discovered that I had some cysts on my ovaries. However, doctors were still unsure if that was the cause of my continuous bleeding, and they couldn’t give me a definite answer regarding if this would impact my ability to have a child in the future. They threw around big and scary words like, “ovarian fibrosis” and “PCOS”, and I was left with more questions than answers. It honestly felt like I lost a race before I could even get started.
As you all likely know, I have lots of highs and lots of lows. When I’m up, I’m really good, and I feel like I’m on top of the world. Unfortunately, when I’m down, I often feel like I’m so low that I can’t possibly feel any lower… and then the next depressive episode hits. How can I be there for a child 100% when I can’t even be there for myself or pick myself up from this low position? I know countless parents do it every single day, but I’ve never seen it for myself.
My mom was and continues to be a superwoman in my eyes, so if she was low, I never knew it. Me? I get engulfed in my depression some days until it just swallows me whole. So, how can I care for a child, who is going to depend on me for everything, when I can barely care for myself when I get so low? It seems impossible, and it feels like I’d be doing my baby a disservice if I can’t be fully present.
Making matters worse than just the medical and emotional issues, I also worry about financial stability, labor pains and complications, and even if I’ll be a good mom. This topic gives me a lot of anxiety, and I find myself worrying so much about the future that I can’t even joy my life in the present.
I have two goals with making this blog post, and the first one is to share my story so that anyone else who is going through this doesn’t feel alone. If you are also feeling the pressure of having a baby because of your age, or if you want to have a baby but are worried about the many things that come with motherhood, please know that I am with you. I share your anxiety, and I share your worries and fears.
My last goal with making this blog post is in the hopes that someone has any advice or encouraging words for me and many others who may read this and be in the same position. Mamas, soon-to-be mamas, and want-to-be mamas, please let me know your thoughts! I’d be so grateful 🙂 .
“Becoming free is learning about yourself; the scared and the insecure, the brilliant and the bold. Embrace both and the journey is yours and yours alone.”
– Riitta Klint