Grief in the Workplace

Trigger Warning: Grief, Loss, Death, Funerals

In my last blog post, I wrote about the importance of doing hard things, even when you’re tired. Little did I know that this lesson would soon be tested, and that I would have to learn how to do hard things while depressed and grieving instead. It has taken me two months to write about this experience, and even now, I still struggle to find the right words to fully explain it, so please bear with me as I navigate this.

Toward the end of March, my coworker suddenly passed away. It happened a few days before spring break, and what should have been a restful week at home quickly turned into a week filled with grief, tears, and emotional instability. Almost immediately, I felt myself slipping into depression, and day by day, my mental health deteriorated in ways that affected not only me, but the people around me as well.

The Funeral

I am incredibly grateful for my work community and the way my coworkers and I showed up to celebrate and honor the life of one of our own. This was a new experience for many of us, and the level of support, compassion, and comfort we provided for one another was unlike anything I had witnessed before.

The funeral itself, as you can expect, was mentally and emotionally overwhelming. We sat behind three rows of mourning women, including her mother, and the sound of their wailing echoed throughout the church for hours. The image of my coworker’s son, beginning his life without his mom for the first time, sobbing as the women embraced and comforted him, is something that will stay with me forever. Needless to say, her death and funeral changed me.

After the Funeral

Life could not return to normal once the service ended. The grief followed me home and settled into every part of my life. I found myself withdrawing from Marlon and losing the motivation to go on dates or do things that once brought me joy. I was mentally and emotionally exhausted for days and weeks afterward, leaving me irritable, drained, and disconnected.

Sitting in silence for too long proved to be uncomfortable and unsettling because the sound of the women wailing would immediately replay in my mind. Sleeping became difficult because every time I closed my eyes, I could see her son crying or picture her casket. Everything became heavier, and ordinary tasks were harder than ever before.

When I returned to work, I thought the distraction would help me cope with the grief. It worked for a little bit until I found myself reopening our old Slack messages, rereading old emails, and thinking about the Ethiopian restaurant she recommended to me when we first met. Her absence was everywhere, and no amount of distraction could make me forget it.

Final Thoughts

Before this experience, I thought doing hard things while being tired was as hard as it gets, but grief introduced me to a new kind of exhaustion. This exhaustion sits heavily in your chest, takes up space in your brain, and refuses to be ignored. Experiences like this require a different kind of grace and forgiveness with yourself. When you are grieving, doing the hard thing won’t always look like eating balanced meals, staying productive, or going to the gym after work. Sometimes, doing the hard thing simply means surviving the day as best as you can.

Truthfully, I am still navigating this loss in real time, and to make matters even harder, I’m also grieving alongside Marlon after the recent loss of one of his family members last week. With death and grief continuing to appear so closely together in this season of my life, I have come to understand the importance of reflection in a deeper way than I ever have before.

Grief, in a way, demands reflection by forcing you to slow down long enough to confront emotions that you may instinctively want to suppress. Through reflection, we honor our loved ones who have passed and recognize the impact they’ve had on our lives, and allow ourselves the space to feel the true weight of that loss.

As I reflect on the losses of my coworker and Marlon’s family member, I find myself thinking about the memories and life lessons instilled in me by other loved ones I have lost throughout my life. It serves as a gentle reminder that I am a culmination of the amazing people who may no longer be with me physically but have left pieces of themselves within me. For that, I will always be proud to honor their memory, and throughout this ever-evolving grieving process, I will continue to reflect and remember.