I’ve been putting off this blog post for a long time and for a couple of reasons. First, I simply wasn’t ready to talk about it. It was new and unfamiliar, and honestly, I was just incredibly sad and needed time to process. Second, I didn’t know how I would talk about it when I was finally ready. For such a long time, I could never find the words to explain, but I think I can now.
My therapy journey ended, and yes, it was a decision that I made, but I didn’t want to. I was forced to stand up for myself and advocate for what was best for me. Let me explain…
June & July 2024
At this point, I spent roughly two to three months with a new therapist. We were working on setting boundaries in relationships, which I was struggling with a lot in recent months with a friend, and creating realistic mantras that can relieve stress and build confidence. April and May were beyond stressful for me, as I was preparing over 120 students to enroll in the college of their choice. I was desperately counting down the days until the summertime.
Summer is our downtime at my job — I’m able to work from home, go on vacations, and feel a lot more at ease. My mood was really good, and my therapist noticed this change. I explained to her that the summertime is usually peaceful and calm for me, but my mental health will take a dive once the fall comes. It happens every year, and I know that I’ll need help getting through it. Naturally, I’d come to sessions in a really positive mood, but never did I think that my therapist would use that positive mood to say that I shouldn’t even need therapy anymore. It felt like I was being pushed out, and I didn’t feel wanted as a client. I advocated for myself, explaining once again that the fall is usually when my mental health worsens and that I still had things I wanted to work through. She insisted that I consider it. I didn’t feel as comfortable or confident in our sessions after that, but I wanted to push through.
August & September 2024
One thing that my family knows about me is that I hate tardiness with a passion. I’m always 15 minutes early anytime I have to arrive somewhere, and while I don’t expect others to do the same, I expect others to be on time or at least communicate. My therapist was late to several sessions — it was supposed to start at 6 pm, but there were at least three times when she showed up at 6:10 pm or even 6:15 pm. This wouldn’t be a problem if the sessions were extended, but they were not. Each of our sessions ended promptly at 6:50 pm, regardless of how late she was to our session. Oh, and I still had to pay the same amount.
This tardiness and lack of respect along with my growing discomfort in expressing myself to her was the last straw. I sent my therapist an email to tell her that October 1st would be my last session. I explained that I hadn’t felt comfortable since our conversation over the summer and that I didn’t feel valued, and her reaction was not what I was expecting. She emailed me back and COMPLETELY ignored my explanation, instead, suggesting that my increase in workload at my job was perhaps why I was canceling. I felt unheard, disregarded, and ignored.
Once again, I stood up for myself and reiterated what I’d stated in the initial email. I didn’t need to be understood, but I was going to be heard.
October 2024
During our last session, she explained that she was trying to encourage me to end therapy because she saw how much I had grown in our short time together and knew how hard I’d worked to improve with previous therapists. She even said that I could have tried it out and then come back if I felt I wasn’t ready. Now, I don’t know about you, but that doesn’t make any sense to me, especially since we were in the middle of working on some challenges that I was facing at the start of the new academic year. We had only worked together for a couple of months when she suggested that I don’t need therapy anymore, and it felt like she was trying to pass me off and declare me as “ready” before I was able to declare myself as “ready,” which I already knew I wasn’t quite there yet. She did apologize, and she respected my decision to leave, which I appreciated.
We ended on an “okay” note, but the experience was fully soured when she promised to send me resources via email the next day that I could use to help myself in the future. Of course, the next day came and I didn’t receive anything. I waited two weeks thinking maybe she needed more time to gather what she thought I’d need, but nothing ever came until I sent her an email about it. Once again, I didn’t feel valued or worthy of support.
Final Thoughts
I’m still not fully healed from this experience, to be honest with you, and I’m quite disappointed. When I envisioned myself no longer in therapy, I always thought it would be on my terms because I was ready. While it did end on my terms, I didn’t feel like I was ready to leave therapy. I know that I’ve grown tremendously over the past few years that I’ve been attending weekly sessions, but I still have so much more to work on. We had even created a plan to tackle the different things that I wanted to discuss and improve upon in myself. I’m sad that I didn’t get to continue at the clinic I’ve been with since before the pandemic, but I know that when I’m ready to trust another therapist again, I can always find a new clinic.
I hope that even though I’m no longer in therapy, you all know and recognize me still as an advocate for both therapy and mental health. I will continue to be as open and honest as I can in my blogs about my struggles and victories in the hopes that they will continue to help.
“Being a positive person doesn’t mean you have to be a pushover. Always advocate for yourself.” – Unknown
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