LFT family, you may have already guessed this about me, but I’m very quiet and reserved — probably because I’m constantly overthinking. I replay conversations in my head, wondering, Was I too much? Was I not enough? Naturally, I’m also always worried that I’m going to hurt someone’s feelings or say the wrong thing, so I rehearse potential conversations in my head to analyze all possible outcomes. I’ll even avoid saying what I really think and feel if I don’t like something because I know I can handle my own discomfort. I’m used to that. However, I can’t handle making someone else uncomfortable. That feels unbearable. Oh, and don’t even get me started on making decisions. The simplest choices used to be an ordeal in my household.
So imagine my surprise when I realized that going to the nail salon was helping me work through both of these struggles. Honestly, if you had told me that the nail salon would help me build inner confidence, I would have laughed. Actually, I probably would’ve cackled.
Exposure Therapy at the Nail Salon
As soon as you sit at the nail salon, you’re immediately faced with decisions: length, shape, color, design, placement, and so much more. The hardest part is that no one can make those decisions for you. Initially, I was so overwhelmed and would often ask the nail tech, “Well, what do you think?” praying they would decide for me, but they always shrugged and asked me what I wanted. I had to decide, and once I made my first small decision, I felt a tiny bit more comfortable making the next decision (once I was done holding my breath, of course).
Soon, making decisions became a lot easier and a lot less anxiety-inducing until last December. I came in with a design, a black French manicure with tiny hearts. Clean and classic with a twist. I showed it to the nail tech and trusted the process, but as he started working on my nails, I could tell it wasn’t coming out right. The tips were uneven, the lines were shaky, and some parts were unfinished.
This is going to sound so dramatic, I know, but my heart was beating so fast. I didn’t have another design in mind, so I couldn’t ask him for a new design. He’d already finished one hand and was moving on to the next, so I didn’t feel right asking him to start over again, only this time, less shaky. He was older, and that just wouldn’t have felt right. I was fully prepared to pay for something I didn’t like to avoid hurting his feelings, and I immediately started negotiating with myself. It’s fine, he’s trying his best. Just stick with it. Maybe once he adds the hearts, it’ll look a lot better.
It did not look better. I took a small breath and said as kindly and respectfully as I could, “I’m so sorry, but could you take off some of the hearts, please? I thought I would like the design.” My voice was unsteady, and I was preparing for the worst, but then, much to my surprise, nothing bad happened. He simply nodded and fixed it. I couldn’t do anything about the uneven and shaky nail tips without having him redo both hands, so that was something I was going to have to deal with, but I felt so much better when I asked him to remove some of the design.
Final Thoughts
I learned some really valuable lessons during December’s nail salon visit:
- I needed a new nail tech (which I found).
- Speaking up for yourself is rarely as bad as it plays out in your head.
- Having preferences and asking for what you want respectfully is a good thing.
For so long, most of my life even, I would hesitate to say what I wanted because I was so afraid of saying the wrong thing. I never wanted to hurt anyone’s feelings or make someone feel less than, but I’m discovering that it’s not as bad as I think. It’s all about how you say it, and although I’m still a work in progress with this, I have tips for those of you who struggle with this, too.
- Practice making decisions with people you trust. Choose what you want to do for date night or what to eat for dinner. It should be simple decisions that have really low stakes.
- Be respectful about your preferences if you don’t like something. It’s okay to say, “I’m sorry, but can you…?” or “I know this is inconvenient, but do you mind…?”
- Let your body react the way it is meant to. It’s okay if your heart races a little or your voice is a little shaky. Let it. Push through.
Remember that you don’t have to be loud in order to use your voice. You just have to trust yourself, which I’m slowly learning to do, too.
Let's Flourish Together 