Imposter Syndrome: How Therapy Helped Me Face It Head On

Today, we’re going to take a deep dive into why I’ve been feeling like an imposter in these past four months and how I’m learning to overcome this feeling. For those who don’t know what it is, McLean Hospital describes someone who has imposter syndrome as someone who “experience[s] repeated feelings or thoughts that they are incompetent or not good enough, despite evidence to the contrary.” I’m hoping that you have either had these feelings before and are curious to know how to overcome them yourself or can empathize with me and others who have experienced this.

Background

As most of you know, I was promoted from a Program Coordinator (PC) to a Program Director (PD) after two years at my current company. My boss was leaving for London and recommended that I apply, and I immediately said no. I knew I would never be as good of a supervisor as he was to me and that I would fail tremendously if I took this opportunity on. It wasn’t until I went home and talked to my family and my therapist that I reluctantly agreed to apply.

Then I was about to undergo a month-long training under my supervisor and several other Program Directors at my company, and that’s the imposter syndrome kicked into overdrive. When I took my concerns and fears to my therapist, she suggested that I type out an email and schedule it to be sent months after I adjust to the Program Director role to see how much has changed. That was in November, and I’m happy to say that looking back on that email from five months ago made me realize just how wrong I was. Today, I’d like to share snippets from that email with you all.

“When I get a PC working with me, how will I be as a supervisor? What kind of leader will I be?”

I was so worried about being someone’s supervisor because this is something that I had very little experience in. Yes, in previous roles, I was always helping others who were less experienced, but I’ve never been someone’s go-to person for guidance and instruction. I was worried sick that I wouldn’t be a good leader and that the program would crumble under me because of my inability to lead effectively. Looking back at those thoughts now makes me grateful because I see now that humility already makes for a good leader. I’m not a perfect leader or supervisor, no one is, but I constantly look for ways to improve, which is what a good leader does.

So, if I could answer this question now, I’d say this: I am a leader who is understanding. I celebrate our wins, provide resources to my PC for a clear understanding of objectives, and adapt to situations around me. I am a leader who is always thinking of ways to better herself and her Program Coordinator.

“Will I be as good as my boss? He has been my safety net for almost two years now, and imagining me trying to live up to what he is now scares me immensely.”

This thought was constantly on my mind because I thought of my former supervisor as one of the best to ever do it, and I knew that I could never be as good as he was in comparison. That was the issue — I was playing the comparison game. He had already been a Program Director for a few years by the time I was hired, so I was managed by someone with experience under his belt. To compare myself to that is unfair. I don’t know the struggles he faced when he first started, and I need to give myself grace.

Also, I now realize after being in this position for a few months that comparing myself to him, while natural and completely normal, was futile. We are two separate people who can bring many amazing contributions to our organization. Comparing myself to him just resulted in a constant cycle of thinking, “What would he have done?” instead of stepping into my own identity and thinking about what I should do as my own person.

So, if I could answer this question now, I’d say this: I will never be just like my former boss in any capacity, as we are two completely different people, and THAT IS OKAY. I needed the experience of understanding what it’s like to lead and defining what that looks like for me. I needed to set the bounds for what my standards would be rather than having my standards measure up to how he performed.

“I hope I don’t let anyone down because they have high expectations of me that I’m unable to meet. I hope I don’t fail myself, my site, my coworkers, and the program.”

Everyone was expecting me to be great because my former boss recommended me for the position, and the thought of disappointing them was terrifying. I thought everyone would see me as a fraud and think that I was not qualified or capable of running a college access program at our high school. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

My current supervisor praises me for the things that are going well at our site and encourages me when I have ideas for how to change things that aren’t working. My fellow Program Directors don’t judge me when I ask them questions that they likely know the answer to. They even take my feedback and suggestions when I offer tips on how I do things. They make me feel welcomed and appreciated for what I can contribute.

So, if I could answer this question now, I’d say this: I could never fail myself because as long as I’m trying my best and not giving up, I should be proud. These past few months have taught me so much, and one of those things is that I have a supportive team that uplifts me and encourages me through everything.

Final Thoughts

I know this blog post was a bit on the longer side, but so many thoughts and feelings flowed through me as I read this email to myself, and I knew it was important to share. I was in such a completely different headspace last November, and it’s crazy to think of just how scared I was. In one part of the email I wrote, “I hope that the future me that is reading this laughs because there was never a need to worry, but the present me is scared, nervous, and unable to get a good night’s rest. It feels like I’m standing on the edge of a cliff, and I’m about to fling myself off not knowing if fluffy clouds or a pit of fire awaits me at the bottom.”

My headspace back then was in an all-or-nothing mentality looking at the situation with either black or white lenses. I thought there were only two sides to this story — I knew that this role as a Program Director would swallow me up and eat me alive, but I was hoping that it would be a cakewalk. The truth and reality are right in the middle. I didn’t laugh as I read what I wrote to myself because I understand the fear and anxiety that lies in the unknown. I’m also not laughing because this position is certainly not easy. There are no fluffy clouds waiting for me to catch my fall. However, there is also no pit of fire either. There are good moments and very difficult moments that I’m experiencing, but now I know that I’m equipped with the tools to deal with them all.

“It’s not what you are that holds you back, it’s what you think you are not.”

– Denis Waitley